Storm Brewing As IOC Contemplates Moving Olympics South of RIO

MCMURDO STATION, ANTARCTICA – Capt. James Cook of the McMurdo Station in Antarctica is, “excited to announce groundbreaking of the 2016 Summer Olympic Aquatic Venue at the new Shackleton Aquatic Center at McMurdo Station,” in face of setbacks, among other problems, in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.

Earlier this week, the International Olympic Committee (IOC), Brazil, and other pertinent bodies held an emergency session in New York to discuss the ongoing venue setbacks, the Zika virus, water conditions, and political tension in Brazil. An undisclosed source reported that “discussion focused mostly on where to move the venue, rather than fixing any existing problems.” Jim Clark Ross, a second year Portuguese student at State University of New York who stood in as an impromptu translator after the slated translator became ill and was unable to attend, stated, “The meeting was very tense and the Brazilians were furious. The Brazilian spokespeople tried to assure everyone that all necessary measures were being made to go ahead as planned and being done in accordance to IOC plans.”

Despite this assurance, the meeting kept its focus on changing the venue, which prompted the Brazilian contingency to storm out of the meeting after a heated exchange. When asked by the spokesperson from the IOC what they said, Jim Ross stated, “The best I can translate it as is that they want you to stick it where the sun don’t shine.”

Though it has not been officially announced by the IOC, unnamed sources have corroborated that those at the meeting took Brazil’s requests into consideration along with their own concerns, and it was decided that Antarctica best met the conditions set forth by all concerned parties.

According to Capt. James Cook, “McMurdo station is quite dark in August, only first experiencing sunlight in the middle of August.” On top of that, Capt. Cook, “has never seen a mosquito,” in his decades of working in Antarctica. Another source from within the meeting, who wishes to remain anonymous, sent a wire explaining that, “those at the meeting were very confused as to the Brazilian demands, but, after extensive discussion, we felt [Antarctica is] an appropriate neutral site.”

Though no official announcement has been made, Richard Byrd, spokesperson and head of the McMurdo Aquatic Venue, “is excited to have athletes from all over the world swimming and diving at the new Shackleton Aquatic Center,” and “ready to shed light onto all the hard and important work of scientists from around the globe.”

The IOC and representatives from McMurdo, worked out plans to create a world class aquatic facility in one of the coldest places on earth. When asked for comment on the creating such a facility, Byrd responded, “Man power, travel to and from, as well as temperatures are of great concern. Though, there are plans in place to counter these problems. As travel to and from McMurdo is non-existent from early May until late August, all athletes and officials will be required to check in by May 1, 2016 and assist with the building of the facility.” After completion of the games, athletes will be required to assist in scientific research while waiting for the earliest departures, which are slated for September 15, 2016.

Providing the necessary supplies to McMurdo is another obstacle which has been overcome thanks to generous donations of money and ships from a Japanese whale research company. Capt. Cook expressed his gratitude via a popular social media site: #whaling2016 #2016McMurdoGold It’s great to have Japan legally back in the Antarctic @GreenPeace @IOC.

Details have also been laid out for an innovative open water venue. Greek climatologist Knossus Minos Icarus has put together a plan to exploit holes in the ozone layer to use the sun’s energy to melt a hole into to McMurdo ice shelf. “This process will exploit natural energy to create a thermal pocket of the world’s freshest water of appropriate temperatures for athletes.” In addition, the freshwater will be recycled with contracts being negotiated between the IOC and Flint, Michigan, USA.

Various sources have reached out to national teams across the world via a popular dating mobile application. Although no women’s teams have responded, the men’s teams’ responses are coming in too fast to be processed and will have to be filtered through at a later date.

Story courtesy of special correspondent Ross Artley

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