{"id":529829,"date":"2023-06-20T06:34:36","date_gmt":"2023-06-20T13:34:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.swimmingworldmagazine.com\/news\/?p=529829"},"modified":"2023-06-20T08:05:42","modified_gmt":"2023-06-20T15:05:42","slug":"tough-talk-the-hard-conversations-between-coach-and-athlete","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.swimmingworldmagazine.com\/news\/tough-talk-the-hard-conversations-between-coach-and-athlete\/","title":{"rendered":"Tough Talk: The Hard Conversations Between Coach and Athlete (Top Leaders Weigh In)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Tough Talk: The Hard Conversations Between Coach and Athlete<\/strong><\/p>\n

Seven coaches from around the country discuss the importance of a strong coach-athlete relationship. The common denominator is to show how much they care and to have their athlete\u2019s best interests at heart when \u201chaving the hard conversations.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

************************<\/p>\n

The cold truth can hurt. \u201cTo be a good leader, you have to have the hard conversations,\u201d says Carol Capitani<\/strong>, head women\u2019s coach of NCAA runner-up University of Texas. \u201cSometimes I have to really be careful and cautious about how I am coming across. I put a lot of thought into it so people can see that I am coming from a place of honesty and love\u2014and that I respect them as an athlete and a person to even have a hard conversation with them. If I don\u2019t care, I\u2019m not going to dig in and have that discussion,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe times I do my worst coaching is when I see and feel something, and I don\u2019t address it. I don\u2019t do my athlete or myself any favors by not addressing a situation just because it is difficult.<\/p>\n

\u201cSuch decisions and conversations are the hardest part of the job. And just because I have them doesn\u2019t mean it will go the way I want it. There is joint ownership in the process. But if I have the talk, then I have done all I can to get them going. If both of us do the right things all the way, hopefully we\u2019ll get through the issues successfully. If we don\u2019t, we won\u2019t.<\/p>\n

TOUGH LOVE<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cThose conversations are harder today,\u201d reiterates legendary former Florida coach Gregg Troy<\/strong>. \u201cThe key word in dealing with them is honesty. If you are honest with swimmers and they respect the honesty, then it becomes a starting point for improving whatever the problem might be and acceptance of constructive criticism that shows you have their best interests at heart.<\/p>\n

\u201cAny time that there is a confrontational situation with an athlete, it becomes especially important that you finish with an understanding that you have their best interests at heart. I always tried before the end of practice to explain what happened, why it happened and where we want to go with it. A majority of the time, those talks had a happy ending. So, it\u2019s honesty, whether they believe you and what your relationship is with them. The better the relationship, the better they can handle honesty. There is a lot of give-and-take involved,\u201d says Troy.<\/p>\n

\"carol-capitani-bill-rose-\"

Photo Courtesy: Peter H. Bick<\/p><\/div>\n

\u201cI prided myself on being able to get things across to athletes on a one-on-one basis,\u201d says Mission Viejo coach Bill Rose<\/strong>. \u201cThe secret is doing that on a daily basis and being listened to. I also let them know that I cared more than they did. Ultimately, I wanted the athletes to care as much as I did\u2014and they had to work within themselves to do that.<\/p>\n

\u201cIn practice, I could read what kind of effort they gave. If it was good, I let them know it; if it wasn\u2019t, I voiced my displeasure. I wanted them to know that I wasn\u2019t going to accept less effort. Bottom line: don\u2019t be afraid to let go on your kids, but at the end of the day, make sure you finish with some kind of constructive counseling,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n

Chris Davis<\/strong>, founder\/owner of SwimAtlanta, is in his sixth decade of coaching. He has counseled athletes through personal problems, practice effort and attendance travails\u2014often creatively. One day he identified insufficient application from potential junior national scorers. \u201cI made them sit in the bleachers and cheer for others in the practice. Later I explained that without better practice effort during finals at junior nationals, they\u2019d be in the stands cheering for teammates.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnother time I clocked swimmers walking around the pool. Then I timed them again, taking two steps forward, one step back. My point was that when you miss practice or don\u2019t give good effort, improvement takes much longer. That exercise was much more effective than me just talking,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n

MOVING FORWARD<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat I try to do when there has been a disconnect between coach and athlete is to take swimmers back to the goals they set at the beginning of the year,\u201d says Joel Shinofield<\/strong>, USA Swimming<\/a>\u2019s managing director of sport development. \u201cI\u2019d go through a checklist to see if they are actually moving toward their goals. I\u2019d say this is what you told me you want to accomplish; this is what it takes. And you are not on track.<\/p>\n

\u201cIn the past, some athletes have professed really high goals, and it became apparent early on those goals weren\u2019t going to be met because of the work being done. At that point, I gave the athlete two choices: adjust the goal or adjust the pursuit of the goal. In all my years of club, college and high school coaching, there hasn\u2019t been one year where I haven\u2019t had that conversation. That\u2019s coaching. It\u2019s more than technique, more than training\u2014it\u2019s opening your athlete\u2019s understanding of the sport.\u201d<\/p>\n

AN EPIPHANY \u2013 BACK TO RELATIONSHIPS<\/strong><\/p>\n

Shinofield shares the story, \u201cMy high school coach Neil Anderson understood what motivated me. He copied pages of splits from Ernie Maglischo\u2019s Swimming Fast<\/em>. \u2018If you want to achieve this time, this is what you\u2019ve got to go out in,\u2019 he told me. Every day in practice, I knew my paces and what I had to hit. Neil knew I was analytical. Instead of saying I wasn\u2019t fast enough, he gave me a tool to figure that out. From that moment on, my effort level changed. That taught me a lot as a coach, that I wasn\u2019t going to respond to being yelled at. In connection with an athlete, trust matters.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"elyse-heiser-jack-roach-\"

Photo Courtesy: Peter H. Bick<\/p><\/div>\n

Someone admired for his connections with athletes is Jack Roach<\/strong> who, from 2008-13, was USA Swimming\u2019s national junior team director. Roach has coached virtually every level of swimmer from age grouper to Olympian. \u201cI think a really good coach asks more questions than gives answers,\u201d he says. \u201cStart by understanding your athlete; you\u2019ll know their culture by the way they dress and the way they talk.\u201d<\/p>\n

Immediately after a race, \u201cthe first 30 seconds will make or break a relationship,\u201d he says. \u201cAfter a bad swim, I\u2019ll ask, \u2018Were you unable or unwilling?\u2019 If unable, that\u2019s a pretty easy conversation to have because it\u2019s an adjustment in training. If unwilling, that\u2019s a much deeper conversation. Fundamentally, it goes to how one is trying to set up their life. Are they trying to see what they can accomplish or trying not to fail? If the latter, they are going to worry about what might go wrong. Then, whether in practice or a meet setting, we are talking about mental toughness.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is a daunting task for coaches to teach mental toughness when someone is failing repeatedly. My definition of mental toughness is just this: When nothing is going well, look at the next most important thing. Teaching optimism and resilience are teachable skills. The reason the teaching is hard is because people have to be failing in order to be taught. And when they are failing, they don\u2019t want to hear it. So it comes down to carving out a relationship where they know you really care. Great leadership is really that: How much are you willing to care? If they don\u2019t trust you, there is nothing you can do. If they do, a lot can be accomplished,\u201d Roach says. \u201cSo whatever you know or don\u2019t know\u2014just care!\u201d<\/p>\n

A MATRIX<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cCoaches today need to be a Swiss Army knife,\u201d says Frank Busch<\/strong>, six-time NCAA coach of the year and former U.S. national team director. \u201cToday is just a different time. You must be very aware of what you say, how and where you say it, and in what context.\u201d With his college teams, Busch always tried to educate team members and hold them accountable. \u201cI wanted them to know that the actions they took affected the team, athletic department, university, not to mention their families. I told them they had to be aware of their choices and that I would hold them accountable.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ahh, accountability. \u201cIt appears this generation is not as open to hard conversations and self-accountability,\u201d says Paris Jacobs<\/strong>, owner and CEO of multi-site Machine Aquatics (Vienna, Va.). \u201cIt\u2019s a different environment. Hard conversations are just that\u2014hard. They are much harder and different in today\u2019s environment because of accountability. We see a lot from parents and athletes who want it to be 100% positive\u2014that everything is going to be OK. They never want to hear anything negative. Sometimes you have to be aware of the negative\u2014to work through things you can do better and bring out the best in ourselves.\u201d<\/p>\n

As a precaution against swimmer and parent blowback, Jacobs constantly counsels her staff on proper behavior and response. \u201cWhen we are challenged, we ask, \u2018How did we get here, what is our part, what is their part, what could we have done better, what do we need to learn from this?\u2019<\/p>\n

\u201cI have spent a lot of time this year reminding people that membership is a privilege. Machine takes its responsibility to kids seriously and wants parents to respect that. We have a code of conduct. If our membership guidelines do not work for you, that\u2019s fine…no hard feelings. As long as expectations and communication are out there, I am happy to have conversations about the rules.\u201d<\/p>\n

Occasionally such talks lead to asking someone to leave the program. \u201cWe work very hard to find a respectful resolution,\u201d says Jacobs, \u201cincluding, \u2018We are not the program for you.\u2019 We will help them find a better place, and a lot of parents are receptive to that,\u201d she says. \u201cMy job is to protect the program culture and integrity beyond the now for future generations.\u201d<\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

In the here and now, much of swimming revolves around being in the present: \u201cLiving in the moment teaches lessons even if it is a failed experience,\u201d says Roach. \u201cIt also gives a path and direction to go in\u2014one guided by…caring.\u201d<\/p>\n

Michael J. Stott is an ASCA Level 5 coach, golf and swimming writer. His critically acclaimed coming-of-age golf novel,\u00a0\u201cToo Much Loft,\u201d\u00a0is in its third printing, and is available from store.Bookbaby.com, Amazon, B&N and book distributors worldwide.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Tough Talk: The Hard Conversations Between Coach and Athlete Seven coaches from around the country discuss the importance of a strong coach-athlete relationship. 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