{"id":423172,"date":"2020-03-19T16:15:01","date_gmt":"2020-03-19T23:15:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.swimmingworldmagazine.com\/news\/?p=423172"},"modified":"2021-11-18T09:29:26","modified_gmt":"2021-11-18T16:29:26","slug":"breaking-the-silence-coping-with-my-last-race-in-wake-of-covid-19","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.swimmingworldmagazine.com\/news\/breaking-the-silence-coping-with-my-last-race-in-wake-of-covid-19\/","title":{"rendered":"Breaking the Silence: Coping With My Last Race in Wake of COVID-19"},"content":{"rendered":"

Taylor Covington is a senior swimmer at Boston College. She is a former Swimming World Intern and current Swimming World contributor. She was swimming at the CSCAA meet when the COVID-19 cancelled NCAA events<\/a>.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

This is the silence I have been dreading.<\/p>\n

Six nights ago, I perched myself on the stiff edge of my suitcase, letting my shoes sink into the plush hotel carpet. The ominous purr of the air conditioning unit gave the room a dead sort of tranquility, blotting out the sounds of traffic and chaos that existed beyond our own drawn curtains. I recognized the quiet.<\/p>\n

It was the same omnipresent, eerie silence that dampened all of my senses each time I imagined that final race. The crowd\u2019s roar would fade into a distant echo, and I\u2019d have to strain to hear the starter\u2019s faint whisper with instructions to step up to the block. Even the water would express its sympathy, trading its vicious roar for a melodious tinkling at my clean entrance, parting politely for my every stroke. I\u2019d break the silence by hitting the touchpad, and for the last time, victory would be defined by a boisterous team huddle, the crowd erupting into cheers, and coaches triumphantly pacing the deck while throwing their fists in the air\u00ad.<\/p>\n

\"Team-huddle-March2020\"

Photo Courtesy: Marti Doherty<\/p><\/div>\n

Then naturally, from that point forward, victory would be a little quieter\u2013a firm handshake at graduation, a letter of acceptance, validation from a boss\u2013things that were all of equal or greater importance, but still, just a little quieter.<\/p>\n

I jumped at the sound of my dad\u2019s voice.<\/p>\n

\u201cLots of NCAA Championships are getting cancelled.\u201d He squinted at the notification. \u201cGeez, now the NBA is suspending its season.\u201d<\/p>\n

I hadn\u2019t cried since the initial email (the one so chillingly titled “Coronavirus Announcement”), but strangely, this news broke the dam. I began reprimanding myself for mourning something so trivial\u2013a basketball season, a swim meet\u2013during such a serious global health crisis. People were dying, they were at risk, and they were afraid. But this was uncharted territory.<\/p>\n

Sports had always been an insulated realm, untouched by the chaos of our universe. They gave us somewhere to turn when the real world didn\u2019t make sense, a place to escape. They gave us the structure and justice we couldn\u2019t identify in our own lives, a place where everyone, even enemies, played by the same rules\u2013if only for three hours or four 12-minute quarters.<\/p>\n

Life without sports was quiet.<\/p>\n

\"Screen

Photo Courtesy: Marti Doherty<\/p><\/div>\n

My dad moved to the bottom edge of the bed and gave me that long-awaited, post-meet embrace, as a noiseless cinema of the day\u2019s events passed through my imagination.<\/p>\n

I had woken up that morning after 90 minutes of restless sleep. The bulleted list that outlined the rest of my college career slithered through my mind in an endless string: \u201cCancel all on-campus classes, effective tomorrow, through the end of the semester, and move to online instruction,\u201d even more devastating, \u201cClose University residence halls and require students to vacate their rooms by Sunday at 9:00 p.m.\u201d all under that haunting subject line. The list had greeted me the previous night during warm-up at the competition pool, the email notification sliding over the text I had been re-reading the entire plane ride. It was the latest text to my coach: \u201cThis is the best I have felt all season. I\u2019m so excited.\u201d How na\u00efve.<\/p>\n

And to think that I was one of the lucky ones. Meet officials had decided to proceed with the first day of competition before cancelling the rest of the meet; I would get that final swim. Surprisingly, I nabbed a best time in my first event, albeit in front of a stack of empty bleachers per the \u201cno spectator\u201d stipulation, and I had the opportunity to time trial my best race to end my career. I never expected to feel such gratitude, going out on a time trial with a glaringly vacant seat in the \u201ccrowd,\u201d the precise spot I was supposed to turn to immediately after my race. I remember touching the wall, and for a brief moment, I just imagined him there, my dad who coached me from ages 11-18, beaming at me with pride, witnessing full-circle what we had built together.<\/p>\n

Then, there was that brutally beautiful moment when my coach embraced me, followed by a few of my teammates. It was less a huddle of celebration, and more a quiet circle of compassion, where my best friends\u2019 grainy faces soon appeared on a phone screen in front of me. The ending wasn\u2019t what I expected, but in the most awkward and unsettling way, it gave me what I understand now to be a precious sliver<\/em> of finality\u2013a brief, imperfect moment of closure before parting with my identity as a student athlete, facing the unnatural decision of which piece to mourn first.<\/p>\n

\"On-the-block-BCvsBU-March2020\"

Photo Courtesy: Marti Doherty<\/p><\/div>\n

I write this from an Airbnb in southeastern Massachusetts, one that my roommates and I rented three nights ago from a family of four. I\u2019m stationed on one of the bottom bunk beds, adorned with a nautical comforter and canvas pillows embroidered with pirate lingo. A week ago, this bed was probably the site of dramatic pillages, the lower deck of \u201cThe Black Pearl\u201d lapped by turbulent black waters. Today, a barricade of non-perishables and bulging suitcases flank its posts, as professors\u2019 metallic voices echo from various computer speakers throughout the house. We don\u2019t know when or if we are going home; we don\u2019t know when we will see each other again if we do. We look out at a completely paused version of the bustling, lively world we used to inhabit, the one in which we seemed to have some definite place.<\/p>\n

Athletes in the class of 2020, please know that we are feeling this deafening silence together. I feel the still waters that you were supposed to turn white, the cold bleachers that were supposed to overflow. I feel the deserted fields, courts, and rinks where your dreams were supposed to come to fruition. But we are no strangers to the silence. We have proven ourselves as quiet victors time and time again.<\/p>\n

Two weeks ago, we forced that last rep, even when no one was watching. In the stillness before the sunrise, we were grinding through practices, holding pace for one more round. Sometimes, we spent entire nights in the library, and still found a way to crush a double the next day. We squeezed in that stretch even when it was inconvenient. We struggled with injuries, and we asked for help. We contemplated quitting, and we came back every time. We rallied behind victories and bounced back from failures. We comforted teammates behind closed doors, and we inspired people we never met. Sometimes, we put the team on our backs. Other times, we let them carry us. We are the products of all the things we did in the dark for those brief, shining moments in the light. We are used to enduring pain and wholesomely trusting that it won’t be in vain. Just like we always have, we will break this silence soon. I, for one, can\u2019t wait to hear you.<\/p>\n

\"Screen

Photo Courtesy: Marti Doherty<\/p><\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Taylor Covington is a senior swimmer at Boston College. She is a former Swimming World Intern and current Swimming World contributor. 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