When I was about 14 years old, my coach pulled me aside after practice one day and asked me and my mom to meet with him later that week. He wanted to discuss something important pertaining to my swimming career. Whenever Coach asked this of one of his swimmers, we knew something was about to go down. He\u2019d meet with a swimmer at the far end of the pool bleachers and all the teammates leaving the locker rooms after practice would walk past with curiosity. We all knew the feeling of being in that spot; it was shameful.<\/p>\n
When Coach planned this meeting with my mom and I, it was nerve wracking. I wondered if I was in trouble for talking too much at practice, or maybe I missed too many practices and he wanted to motivate me to refocus my goals. In the few days leading up to the scheduled meeting day, I mulled over the possibilities and hoped it was about something positive.<\/span><\/p>\n My mom and I met with him after practice in the usual shame spot\u2014the far end of the bleachers. I can remember what he said vividly because of the impact it had on me in my first year of high school. <\/span><\/p>\n \u201cSo Kelsey, you don\u2019t have the body you used to anymore, and you\u2019re getting your ‘woman body,’\u201d Coach said. <\/span><\/p>\n I thought, \u201cNo way, who knew puberty happened to everyone!\u201d (sarcasm).<\/span><\/p>\n I sat there in utter embarrassment; my mom was by my side, silent. I was puzzled and uncertain where this conversation was headed. <\/span><\/p>\n He continued, \u201cThis means that you can\u2019t eat whatever you want anymore. You have to watch your caloric intake so you don\u2019t gain more weight. I want you to keep a food journal and show it to me at the end of every week.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n My heart sank. Was he telling me to lose weight? I remember a girl on my team who was told she needed to lose weight by another coach, but I was not expecting it to happen to lanky ol\u2019 me. And why didn\u2019t my mom stand up for me? I concluded my coach must<\/i> have been right then! I had<\/i> to lose weight or else I wouldn\u2019t perform my best in the pool. <\/span><\/p>\n After the meeting ended, my teammates who\u2019d seen me in the meeting were curious what happened. I divulged the details and they too were astonished. I was already quite thin. I was healthy and performing well at meets. Thoughts of my body and how others saw it never crossed my mind before this meeting. <\/span><\/p>\n Both men and women know that time in our lives when we became conscious of our bodies and the truth that not everyone looks the same. It\u2019s that time when you begin to compare yourself to other people. Everyone reacts differently. Many athletes become obsessed<\/i> with their image. An eating disorder knows no race, religion, or gender. Anyone can fall down its slippery slope into that dark hole countless athletes are familiar with. <\/span><\/p>\n I showed Coach my notebook where I tracked what I\u2019d eaten the first week. All I had written down were grapefruit and energy bars. With 10 practices per week, he rightfully pointed out that it was not enough and I should eat more. However, I was so fixated on losing weight for him that I continued to restrict my intake so I could shed weight quickly. <\/span><\/p>\n After a few weeks he pulled me aside and pointed out that I was \u201clooking great.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n This remark fueled the demon in me. Little did I know that this demon would be on my shoulder for the next six years; tormenting me, consuming my thoughts, and pressuring me to attain aesthetic perfection in order to swim faster.<\/span><\/p>\n This essay is not meant to showcase a grudge I have against my former coach. It\u2019s not meant to ask for pity. This essay is meant to inform other coaches the impact that something like this can have on a young athlete. I remember this day in detail and it\u2019s been eight years. I didn\u2019t find the root of my eating disorder until I related it to this day. I found the \u201cmeeting at the far end of the bleachers\u201d to be what first urged me to look at my body in a negative way.<\/span><\/p>\n So to my former coach, I want to tell you that it\u2019s not your fault. It\u2019s no one\u2019s fault, but it was wrong. Any coach who has told a healthy young swimmer to lose weight has made a mistake that could potentially alter a young athlete’s life. When you\u2019re just 14 years old and a coach who\u2019s known you for over a decade tells you to show him your food journal, it\u2019s going to affect you. <\/span><\/p>\n Eating disorders are extremely prominent among athletes because we feel so pressured to be the best we can be. As athletes we are often \u201cblack and white\u201d thinkers, meaning if we want something, it\u2019s all or nothing. Either we don\u2019t even try or we do everything in our power to get what we want. Athletes will attempt anything to reach perfection, even if it means sacrificing our mental health.<\/span><\/p>\n I struggled with disordered eating throughout both high school and college, never recognizing its origin or why most of my thoughts revolved around controlling my food intake and obsessing over my physical appearance. Now that I understand, I wrote this essay because I know that many athletes can relate. <\/span><\/p>\n More importantly, I hope that my story reaches coaches to inform and prevent them from meeting with their swimmers at \u201cthe far end of the bleachers.\u201d It\u2019s not your place to tell a young swimmer to watch their figure. A young teen is entering a hyper-impressionable and incredibly tender time in their life in which even the smallest judgements may rock his or her world. With young athletes I believe that weight is a matter that should be discussed between an athlete and their parent or guardian. <\/span><\/p>\n As a coach you can instead hold meetings with your all of swimmers as a team about health and nutrition. If you are concerned about a specific swimmer\u2019s weight affecting their performance, find an appropriate way to address it; otherwise, you may never know what demons will be stirred.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Swimming World elected to remove the name of the author in order to protect the names directly related to this story.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" When I was about 14 years old, my coach pulled me aside after practice one day and asked me and my mom to meet with him later that week. 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